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Whats the point of me keeping a livejournal anymore? Why do I need one? Nobody even reads it any more and I barely write on here anymore.. I wouldn't even have known about livejournal if it wasn't for chelsea and everything that happened. I saw the link on her Myspace page and clicked it because I didnt know what it was. Turns out it was the root to all of the drama that became us. This was the big problem. it was a was to talk shit and not actually talk shit. We both did it because we were both fighting a pointless battle that shouldn't have happened. I still cant believe I let myself get that far into it. Now Rob is dead and its all over. Its almost like a bad horror movie that didn't go anywhere. Only Rob wasn't a villan. Rob was a troubled teenager with a drug problem, suicidle girlfriend and an 18 year old fuck up on the side. None of it even matters. It never mattered. Everything that happened. How she got her friends into it and my sister and some friends got into it as well, restraining orders were threatened and lives were threatened all because of a boy who was able to control the thoughts and emotions of these two girls. Only one person brought me back from that person. It was because of jimmy that I saw light and I was able to get over it. Or at least muffle it. Stuff it in a bottle and lock it up in the back of my mind. But when things didnt work out, That bottle shattered and my world fell to peices around me. Rob was back in because I was crying uncontrollably and he "wanted to help". All that did was reel me back in and restart shit. Only for the most part Chelsea didnt know. Rob and I became best friends. We walked to school every morning together. We smoked weed together every morning and we would talk about everything together while we were supposed to be in first period. We had a lot of inside jokes. Then he wanted nothing to do with me again when he went to rehab. I didnt talk to him for months after that. I remember one time, Chelsea called me asking if I knew where Rob was. His dad called me, his brother called me. Nobody knew where he was. I went out on foot in the pouring rain and looked everywhere for him and couldnt find him. He came home and said he was at the park or some shit like that. I couldn't find him though. I looked everywhere I knew he would be. Thats when I realised that when he didnt want to be found, he wouldnt be. I remember when Chelsea texted me to tell Rob to call her because she had gotten into an accident and that she was okay but that she wanted to talk to him. I was sitting right next to him and she had no idea that we even hung out still. Just that we went to the same school and that we had a class together. She didn't know that when she would pick him from the park to hang out with him that I was with him up until she got there. Then he  would come out of the woods like he was just walking around on his own. When he wasn't with her he was with me for the most part. and we werent even doing anything. Just hanging out and talking. I told him all about Jimmy and he talked about chelsea. How beautiful she was and how she was a model. How  smart she was and how he wanted to marry her. He told me how he was going to propose to her and when. Of course towards the end we stopped talking. especially when I moved back to California in July. The last time I saw him was on his birthday. It was the last time I slept next to him. The last time he tried kissing me and the last time I told him no because I made a promise to myself and to chelsea and that he would regret it more than I would because he was drunk and I wasnt.  I don't know why I am writing all of this now... Its just what I am thinking about right now. I don't know why. I guess its because of the rememberance page they have for him on Facebook. There are all these pictures and videos and stories of him on there. I dont have any pictures or anything of us together. All I have is memories and it makes me sad.. I just hope he is in a better place now. I worry that he has gone to hell. But at the same time, He did say that he believed in a higher being. He found God before he passed... But I don't know if that was for show or if that was real. I hope to see him again someday, however I don't know if I would Hit him or hug him. Right now I want to hit him. For leaving all of us here to be hurt and heart broken. I still cant believe he is gone. That he is never going to make me lose the game again. Never going to bug me for cigarettes or break into my house and leave notes in my room. He is never going to do anything again because he isnt alive any more! It fucking blows because he was smarter than that...

Jimmy says I am being distant..... Maybe I am. I know I have been more short tempered lately. I know that with work and school I have been stressed out lately. I havent really been in the mood for anything lately. I just want to be left alone for a while but I get so freaked out every time I am alone that I just can't do it. I am starting to see that being alone isnt a bad thing. I am just too attached to Jimmy and I cant just be with out him. I think maybe that is why I am being distant. I am pushing him away trying to break how strong the attachment is. That I really will be okay when he is gone. that way I can be home alone at night when I need to be up early and I can actually sleep with out him. I wont freak out and throw a temper tantrum every time he wants to do something with out me. It should be okay that he wants to go and watch Christine sing at a bar. It should be okay for him to have friends who I am not friends with as well.. It would help if I had friends of my own.. I can't even manage that. I dont even have any friends... Steven only likes me because I am Jimmys girlfriend. He wouldnt give me the time of day if it wasn't for Jimmy. I am a horrible person to steven most of the time and I dont even mean to. He just needs to learn to listen. I hate having to repeat everything around him because he wasn't listening the first time. Like when we are making plans and we tell him one thing and he hears another. He doesn't know how to listen. And Jimmy is constantly not listening these days. I have to fight for attention because when He is with his friends the girlfriend is out of the picture. They go into these crazy conversations and just go on and on and on about one thing and that one thing leads to like 20 other things and I just sit there and listen. Its kinda funny. Until I go in to comment on something or try to include myself in the conversation because I am with them. And they just talk over me and I cant even get a letter in. It makes me feel left out. Also, we are pretty much broke until friday. We still owe Linda 200 for rent. and He is eating at los cerros and buying food while he is at work when he can just go home and eat. He acts like it takes a half hour to drive up the hill and eat something at home. Or like he cant take his own lunch to work. We really cant afford to be spending any extra money. I almost cried last night when he had more shit that he had bought. He really doesnt understand that I only have 69 dollars to last us an entire week. I dont even know how much he has now.  Its stressful and frustrating. I worrying if we are going to make it.. I never used to have to worry if I was going to have a place to live still because money is short. Being an adult is hard. I work hard for my money. I really give a shit and care about my job and in return I get about 400 a check.  Jimmy and I make at least 800 a month together. Out of that 600 goes to rent. Then you have count in the amount of gas we need. about 35 fills the tank. which means we have about 165 out of that. now, a full tank usually lasts us about a day and a half. so at least twice a week, we put gas in the car. something like that. which means that we now have about 130 left. Every two weeks we buy about a half ounce of weed. that right there is 100. which means after that we are pretty much out of money. And its not like we can cut down on any thing. the weed is for medical purposes which we both need. The gas we need in order for us to both get to work and for me to get to school. And rent is a duh factor. There is just so much to worry about these days... Life is hard and I only have to worry about myself and Jimmy right now. I don't even want to know how hard its going to be when we have kids... When we get married... Everything costs money and everything keeps getting more and more expensive... Sometimes I feel like giving up. I find myself regretting so much. I regret just about everything in high school. I should have just gone when I needed to and gotten it over with. But now I have to worry about getting my GED which believe it or not, is NOT the easy way out. In order to graduate high school you need to pass the California exit exam. That exam is a tenth grade level exam. Everything on the GED is at a 12th grade level. You do it in less time than it would take to get your diploma but it is harder to do. I get to graduate in cap and gown though. I get a real graduation. I hope my dad will go and see me graduate when the time comes... He doesn't even visit me at work, which is on the way to work. Some times I wonder why I moved back at all. Why I hated Washington so much. Now that Rob is dead and Nick doesn't really exist any more, Neither does Cooper or anyone else. I mean I moved to California to get away from my mom and from all the drama that washington had. I wanted to be closer to the family I grew up with. I wanted to be closer to my Aunt incase anything happened since she got cancer... I never even see my family. I dont talk to my grandparents or my aunts or uncles. I barely even talk to my dad anymore.... its sad to think that the reasons why I moved back aren't even the reasons why I am here now. I don't know... I have just had alot on my mind lately and I just needed to get it all out.. I guess thats why I have a livejournal still. So I can just write and write and write. I know Jimmy is going to ask questions about a lot of the things I wrote about. especially the giant section all about Rob... I am over Rob. I have to be he is dead... But I was over him before he died... I just have a lot to tell Rob still that I didnt get to before.. The sad part is that none of it would matter if I did tell him...



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