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Aug. 16th, 2011

I only work 3 days next week. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. That sucks! I am only getting 19.25 hours next week. And I only have 17 this week which means This paycheck is going to suck. I am starting to see why Jimmy didn't like starbucks. I talked to the person in charge of making our schedules and he said that its because of school starting and sales aren't up right now so he had to cut every ones hours. But I am the only one with 4 days off and I am also the only one with 19 hours. Everyone else has at least 27. and all the shifts still have their 38 hours a week. I have fucking 19! Its a good thing Jimmy has a real Job. Starbucks is disappointing me hugely right now. I should just talk to Howard Schultz himself! I need money in order to sustain my living habits. I need to pay rent, and buy food for the house. I need to help Jimmy with gas. I can't just make 300 a month because that is my entire half of rent. I don't want to have to depend on Jimmy  to have to buy my things that I need. I am a girl. I need personal things during a certain time of the month and stuff like that. I can't support my self on the hours I am getting. Next wednesday I am going to DMV to get my fucking permit though that way I will actually be able to drive. I Have to I'm tired of being stuck. I can't depend on ly boyfriend for everything. I am an adult and its about damn time I act like one. I am so tired of asking Jimmy to take me places and depending on him to be places on time. I am tired of him saying no to me just because he doesn't want to drive somewhere. Its annoying and I need to be able to go places on my own. I am tired of how my life is and I am pissed off at the way I have set my self up. I am a failure as a human. I haven't done anything in my life right. I fucked up in school, I never branched outside my safe little circle so I don't know how to socialize or make friends on my own, I was too scared to drive so I never learned. Sure I work at an actual company, but its not going so well if I can't even get hours and I get the feeling at least half my co workers don't like me. That last part might just be in my head.... I just get the feeling that people don't like me. They are just nice to me because I am Jimmys girl or because they have to because I work with them. Maybe thats my problem. It's in my head that people don't like me so I push them away and then they actually begin not to like me because I am stand offish and I have all my walls up and reinforced all the time. Maybe I just need to let go and not worry about trying to fit in... I don't know but I do know I am tired of being told no. I am a fucking adult.  I don't need to be told what to do and I sure as hell don't need permission to do shit that I want. I would like to say that I am a good girlfriend. I moved two states away just to maybe be with Jimmy. I quit smoking when I didn't want to because he didn't like it. I always ask him if its okay to do things. I never do anything he doesn't want me to. I cut my hair with out telling him... That kinda went okay... And I bought a new belly ring with out telling him when I was with kayley.. But he doesn't like it when I spend money on my self. Like when I buy new clothes or make up. or a pair of shoes or just something that I saw that I liked. He hates it when I do that kind of stuff. So I never do anything like that. I never go to the mall and just buy something for myself. I don't treat my self at all.. I don't do anything with out consulting him first. Some people would say thats how its supposed to be. He doesn't do any of that stuff either. He always asks me if its okay do do things before he does them. For the most part any way. Some people say that you should always consult your partner. Other people say that means your whipped. I don't know maybe its just different because we act married already...



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